Okay, you’re sweating bullets because your boss told you there will be drug testing in the office. You just smoked a joint yesterday and you kind-of like your job. What do you do?
For some, the answer is fake piss. While arguably one of the dumbest things you have to fake to save your job, it has saved some people from the proverbial axe.
So before we jump into what fake urine is really about, let’s see what labs look for when they are testing your urine.
What labs look for when testing urine samples
Most standard drug screens will NOT look for:
- Sex Hormones
- Genetic Data
- Prescription Medications (except for amphetamines, opioids)
- General health status
What they usually look for are:
- THC Metabolites
- Alcohol in some instances
Additionally, they will also be checking for:
- Uric Acid
- Excessive nitrates
- Specific Gravity
Understanding what a drug testing lab is looking for is key to finding the right fake urine mix to pass the drug test. By no means is this 100% fool proof, however understanding these concepts will give you a better sense of preparation to “fool the man!”
What is good fake urine?
Now that we know what drug labs are looking for, the best fake urine will have the following elements;
- Contains Uric Acid, Creatine, Urea, Nitrates
- Has the correct Temperature (32-36 degrees Celsius or 90-100 degrees Fahrenheit)
- Has the correct density (gravity) compared to water
- Smells and foams like natural urine
- Delivery device that is discreet
When you’re shopping in your local head shop or sex shop for fake urine, be sure to look at all these elements. You need to be prepared for your drug test and have your urine on hand.
Some places sell delivery devices such as fake bladders and so forth that can help keep temperature and discretely allow you to ‘fake pee’ into a vile.
The Risks of Being Caught
While testing someone’s urine for the presence of drugs is an obscene violation of your privacy, “Papa Government” could give two shits about it. Depending on the state you live, there might be different rules when it comes to being caught trying to cheat an unconstitutional drug test.
You might get fired or get fined for doing so. However, if you’re caught with drugs in your system you’re probably going to get fired anyhow, so why not risk it?
As mentioned, fake urine is not an all-clear but it does give you a fighting chance. You just have to be smart about it and try to get it to look, smell and act like the real deal.
If you aren’t too in love with your job, you could always just forgo the entire drug test and quit under the principles of having your privacy violated and find a job that doesn’t require drug tests or simply start working from home.
I personally have never had a drug test administered to me because…well, I’m my own boss and I say it’s okay if I smoke weed.
And while the concept of drug tests pisses me off, perhaps some fake piss is all we need to piss all over the drug test processes. It’s a sad world where you have to fake pee to keep your job…but this is where we are at.
I hope this helped clarify some issues you may have had with the subject and if you have any questions you can always reach out to me here or on my Twitter handle.